Bad Cool Ghetto Stuff That I'll Never Do

After watching too many Shane Meadows films recently and generally thinking about stuff too much, I thought it was time to come to terms with a firm dose of reality. Here are 5 things that it would be kind of awesome to have under my name.

1. Grow up on a really bad Council Estate



Despite how unglamorous things like television, crime statistics and the London Lite make them look, growing up on a council estate is fucking cool. It gives you that 'better watch what I say to him edge' and makes people think that you're way much harder and streetwise than you actually are. Also, you can take drugs and listen to Hip-hop with real conviction, whilst constantly blaming all of your mistakes on your background and saying stuff like, 'I'm just lucky to be here man.'

2. Take Crystal Meth



Although perceived by many as perhaps the most squalid recreational activity to grace the planet, after watching Spun there is a side to the drug that just for me just oozes credibility. Think Brittany Murphy, casual sex and insomnia. No? I'm not so sure, maybe it's just my warped perceptions of the American Dream.

3. Go to Jail



Exactly. The Slammer, the Can, Pen, bitta' Bird.

"Where's Henry, haven't seen him in a while?"
"Oh, he's in the Slammer, GBH I think".

Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to be regarded as that socially failed aggressor-guy by all of my friends, but just maybe at house parties as "Yeh, Henry, that guy who done a bit of time".

Edginess is good, and in my opinion, Jail=edgy. Plus you can come out and do the whole bad guy turn good moral thing but with massively violent tendencies. Perfect.

4. Be part of a Hip-Hop video




Is it me or would it be like the best fucking thing in the world? Loads of incredibly hot girls, Courvoisier and basketball vests. Plus, no one would know that I'm a skinny geeky English white guy. Well, they would know that I'm white and skinny but I could just pretend I have some massively complex affiliation with Lil Wayne and everyone better back the fuck off.

5. Joy Riding



What ever happened to Joy Riding? Alastair Stewart would tell you how massive it was in the 90s. Remember "Police! Camera! Action!"?

Exactly, what a great idea. Just put simply, 'Joy' 'Riding'. It has to be fun. What happened to the masses of bored teenagers in Rotherham or Liverpool caught on really hazy Police helicopter CCTV footage just driving around in shit cars generally having a really good time.

Alas, as a 20 year old student I'd probably just look like a bit of a loser.

Oh well.

I'll just stick to pretending that I'm well read and that I've got J Dilla's back catalogue on vinyl.